CHRISTMAS IN AUGUST; CHARLES DICKENS WRITE ABOUT GEORGE W.
The Free Press, August 28, 2003

Everyone loves Charles Dickens’ wonderful holiday story “A Christmas Carol”. Mean old Scrooge was visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future, each showing him the errors of his ways. Of course, Scrooge did repent, and made the world a happier place for those around him.

How about if Dickens was writing today, choosing a 21st century character to receive those incorporeal nocturnal visitors. Choosing, say, ohhh, George W. Bush. How might the story go?

Geooooooorge W! Geooooorge W! Wake up George W! We need to talk. It’s me, Richard M. The ghost of unpopular presidents past. No, I’m not recording this conversation. And I am not a crook, but after the media got through with me, everyone sure thought I was. Vietnam, secret spying, Watergate. Damn commie pinko reporters wouldn’t leave me alone. Made me out to be a liar. My approval rating dropped faster than a bomb over Cambodia.

You’ve got the same problems, huh? You said that you had to invade Afghanistan ‘cause Osama was holed up in a cave. When you got there, you couldn’t find him. You’ve had troops searching for almost two years to wipe out al-Qaeda, but you still have high terror alerts, and reports of another hijacking coming this summer.

You told the world that you had to invade Iraq ‘cause they had nukes, and weapons factories. Colin Powell said he had pictures. But when you got there, you couldn’t find ‘em. You said that Saddam tried to buy uranium in Africa. Said it in your State of the Union speech, of all places. When the media found that it wasn’t true, you got the CIA to cover for you. You took responsibility without taking blame. I tried the exact same thing 30 years ago. Look where it got me. Damn commie pinkos.

And now you’ve got an unpopular war on your hands. Our boys are in a far-away country, being picked off every day. They can’t even recognize their friends from their enemies. It’s been over 100 days, and they’re gonna be there for a long time. Your involvement might even spread to other countries. Believe me, I know that whole tune. Right from the southeast Asia songbook.

George W, welcome to presidential hell. My military advisors said we would win the war, and the hearts and minds of the people. We didn’t do either. Sound familiar? And now your Defense Department and State Department are pointing at each other, with a useless puppet government in place over there. The Iraquis hate us. Deja vu all over again.

So, be careful. I was elected in a landslide, and still was hounded out of office. I had Bebe Rebozo, you have Enron. Well, at least you don’t have trouble with your kids. Oh, you do. Maybe you can distract the people with a tax cut or foreign trip. Oh, you already tried. Both. Well, good luck, George W. Damn commie pinkos.....

Mr. President! Mr. President! It’s Donald Rumsfeld. Am I the ghost of bungled wars present? Absolutely. Have the Iraqui military and police joined us to secure the country like I told you they would? Well, no. Are we in trouble with troop morale? 10-4. Do I have a plan? Yessirree, even though it hasn’t seemed like it.

Are the boys in Iraq scared? You bet your W. Do they know if the next car passing by is going to open fire? Negative. Are they properly trained for this kind of police work? No way. Has help materialized from other nations like we thought it would? That would again be no. Is this fiasco costing us $4 billion a month, with no end in sight? Affirmative.

Do we admit to the Iraquis that we are in over our heads? No. Do we admit to the Democrats that we planned this whole thing way wrong? Double no. Do we admit to the American people that we are leaking money and lives faster than a Texas oil gusher? The most no. Is this how we got mired in Vietnam? Bingo. Is there an election coming up? Oh, yea... ‘Nuff said.

Pappy! Pappy! Howdy, it’s us, your grandsons George X and George Y. The ghosts of the unpopular economy future. Pardner, you sure were great back in the days of ‘03. All that talk about stimulatin’ the economy with $400 tax rebates, and such. You had those folks eatin’ outta your hand.

Problem is, Pappy, the younguns of some of those folks are now havin’ a mite bit of trouble eatin’ at all. Somethin’ called National Debt. Seems that all the bucks we spent in Afgannystan, and Eye-Rack, and Lie-beria, and the tax money we lost from those big cuts, meant that eventually the government had to borrow. Billions. Interest rates went real high, and unemployment was terrible. ‘Course, you weren’t the Prezeedent then, so it was someone else’s problem.

The American folks, well, they believed you when you said that the tax cuts were good, and the economy would get better. It did, for a while, for some people. Mostly businessmen, and energy companies like yours. It almost made people forget that almost no one was punished for the corporate scandals. And no one really missed all that timber cut down in national forests.

So, Pappy, we decided that we’re for sure not gonna be politicians. Us Bushes just don’t do well with A-rabs. Or economies. Great-grandpappy had the Iranians. You had bin-Laden and Saddam and the Eye-Rackees. With those genes, we wouldn’t have a ghost of a chance.