Extreme makeovers are all the rage in Hollywood today. Your west coast agent just isn't doing his job if he hasn't arranged for your updated face, or enhanced body part, or new headline-grabbing significant other. But why should the denizens of La-La Land have all the fun? Western Pennsylvania is crying out for help. Punxsutawney Phil needs an extreme makeover.
Ask Bill Murray - GroundHog Day is repetitive. Repetitive. 118 winters old. Every year the town fathers of Punxsutawney make headlines with the same old shtick. They put on a Really Big Shew, asking a rat on steroids to forecast the next six weeks of weather. So what might happen if we actually dragged the whole corny carnival act into the 21 st century?
First, let's use a bit of imagination, and think outside the stump. Change Phil's WWF membership from World Wildlife Federation to World Wrestling Federation. Start with a phat new rap for his new gig. How about P-Phildaddy? PunxFunx? 'Hog from the 'Hood? Snoop Hoggy Hogg? 4Casta?
Then, give this player some new ideas, new blood. A few spin-offs. Add some celebrities. Hollywood is all wound-up, bound-up, and ground-up in these GroundHog-sounding sequels, each with its own special forecast. Do ya feel me? Mark your calendars:
LyingDog Day . Pete Rose saunters out of the casino and sees his shadow, but writes a book denying it, and offers to autograph the shadow for $50. Forecast: Who believes him any more? He has three strikes and even more Rawlings. Fourteen more years of banishment from baseball.
AttentionHog Day. Brittany Spears sees her ratings slipping, so, Oops, she does it again; gets married, divorced, canonized, bat mitzvahed, knighted, and celebrates her first holy communion all at one time. Her family then says she really didn't mean it. Forecast: Time to replace stunts with talent.
OffenseInAFog Day . The Philadelphia Eagles study the tapes of their wide receivers in the loss to Carolina, and see a need for speed and a demand for hands. Forecast: Lots more Blandy Andy Reid press conferences, but no more years of James Thrash and Todd Pinkston. The time is yours.
MindBoggle Day. The school superintendent in Atlanta, Georgia, sees visions of the Scopes Monkey Trial as she proposes that the word "evolution" be stricken from the state's science curriculum, prompting Jimmy Carter to say, "I am embarrassed". Forecast: Welcome to Georgia, where the local time is now 200 years ago.
GroundIsEmpty Day. The US weapons inspectors in Iraq look everywhere and see nothing. Forecast: None available, no credible information to base it on.
MoundHog Day . Just as the Phillies have come out of a hibernation that made Rip Van Winkle look like an insomniac, and finally have an exciting team on the field, Harry Kalas steals the spotlight when he sees chatterbox Chris Wheeler and wants him off the announce team. Forecast: I wish Richie Ashburn had lived to enjoy this season. At least he would have provided a partner that won't duel with Harry for the last word (and the first, second, third...).
SoundsLikeHogwash Day . Michael Jackson sees every interviewer he can, and says again and again that he would never, never do anything to harm a child. And it was really soda in those cans. Forecast: Never say never in Neverland. Ten-to-twenty years.
UnsoundNoggin Day . Janet Jackson sees that her family hasn't had enough controversy lately, so she decides to flash the whole country on national TV. Forecast: No more MTV halftime shows, and a lifetime of therapy for the whole Jackson family.
FrownAndSob Day . The Democrats see their dwindling bank accounts after beating on each other relentlessly in the primaries. Last candidate standing will be featured on "Survivor". Vice-fundraiser Dick Cheney and the Republicans have amassed almost $150 million to take on the winner. Forecast: Four more years of George Bush.
PoundHimGroggy Day . Someone, somewhere, won a heavyweight boxing title fight, and it was seen by a half-full house papered with comps. Forecast: It will probably happen again, but (yawn) who was the last champion that you actually cared about? Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio (or even Joe Frazier)?
GroundZeroBomber Day . After 30 months of hiding, Osama bin Laden still sees himself daily in Pakistan, or Afghanistan, or Someotherstan, but not in a US prison. Forecast: We've bin Searchin', and bin Frustrated, but are now "sure" we will capture him this year if the Pakistani army will just let us search in its country. We were also "sure" there were WMD in Iraq.
AroundForTheMoment Day . Demi Moore sees four lovely children by her side, and then realizes that one of them is actually Ashton Kutcher. Forecast: Will last as long as they can wring out the headlines. There is no such thing as bad publicity in Hollywood.
NoGown(Sob!) Day . Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez aren't getting married after all, and may be seeing other people. Forecast: Who cares?