Moses, Abraham, Noah, Job, Pat Robertson. What do all of these men have in common? God has spoken directly to them! I have long suspected that our Bibles are in need of some new blood. Old Testament, New Testament, Latin Vulgate, Coverdale, Cebuano, Douay-Rheims, King James. It doesn't matter which version, they are now all out of date.
Back in the good olde days, God had a hotline to the people. It used to be that He spoke to just about everyone. Eve, Jacob, Horeb, Levi, Solomon, Jonah, Hagar, Balaam, David. Even the serpent. You were nobody if God didn't chat you up. Apparently it happened so often that the common folk took it for granted, since the people who claimed to have been in on the discussions were revered rather than incarcerated.
It seems that about the time we stopped writing Bibles, God stopped making house calls. Like my grandmother used to say to me "So, you don't write, you don't call...". But rejoice, ye of little faith! God has spoken again. To, of all people, Pat Robertson. Pat revealed to his television audience that the Lord told him President Bush is going to win re-election in "a blowout". And there was even more good news for Dub-ya. He's gonna get his blowout no matter how badly he runs the economy into the ground, and no matter how many more of our soldiers are interred in that ground.
The Gospel According to Pat says, "It doesn't make any difference what he does, good or bad. God picks him up because he's a man of prayer and God's blessing him". You just gotta love this guy (Pat, not George). He keeps finding innovative ways to stay in the headlines. In 2000 he was merely a candidate for president. Now he is God's earthly mouthpiece, pontificating on one of his fellow republicans. One has to wonder if Pat would have spoken up had God told him Joe Lieberman would be the anointed "man of prayer"!
So now that God is again on speaking terms with mere mortals, I was wondering...how might He choose his next messengers, and what might He say to them?
Hello, Major League Baseball? I want to speak to Commissioner Bud Selig. This is Pete Rose calling. Yea, I'll wait. I've waited 14 years already..... Hello Bud? Pete here. Listen, everybody's got this gambling business all wrong. I never gambled on anything. God told me the winners, said the games would be blowouts. I just put down a few sheckels in His name. How can you say it was gambling when they were all sure things? Every time I said I liked the Cardinals and Padres, I meant the kind who wear robes. I swear to God! Hello? Hello?
Like, hi, this is Brittany, and, like, I'm still a virgin. So, on January 3 rd , I was just sitting in my $10,000-a-night suite in Las Vegas watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with Jason thinking how I am still a virgin, and don't ya know that God told me to go out and party, have a big blowout, and then marry Jason! Like, God talks to me all the time - kiss Madonna, pose topless for Rolling Stone. Everyone knows He tells me what to do, 'cause they all say things like "What in God's name did she do now?" But I still think marriage is a sacred thing. At least for, like, 11 hours. And don't forget my next promo tour starts March 2. Toodles!
Good morning, citizens of Iowa, this is Howard Dean, and I bear a heavy burden. I'm proud to say that I am the only candidate who God has told to stand up to President Bush and oppose the war in Iraq. In fact, God has told me to oppose NAFTA, the secrecy of the Bush-Cheney White House, insider deals, and everyone in my own party as well. And since it's so crowded in this democratic primary race, my favorite New Testament book is Job. In a blowout. What? Job is from the Old Testament? I'll have to check on that. Sounds to me like another wild rumor started by the Sharpton campaign.
It's just not fair. If my name wasn't Martha Stewart, no one would have noticed that I sold my ImClone stock right before it hit the skids. But that wasn't MY idea. No one knew my big secret - it was really God that created all those designer fabrics. He and I were talking about the new line, and He said "Throw out the herringbone". I thought He said "Blowout the ImClone", so I sold it. Then He told me to "Go light on the reds", and I thought He said "Go lie to the feds". It's just not fair.
I'm not making this up, folks. If you go to enough doctors, and collect enough prescriptions, and buy enough illegal pills, even Donovan McNabb can start to look white. But take it from Rush Limbaugh, God will help me find a way to blame Bill Clinton and the democrats for this one too. The Way Things Ought To Be. So blow it out your liberal bagpipes, you bleeding-heart east-coast quiche-eating fat-cats.
Good evening, ladies and germs, and welcome to the Mark Russell Political Comedy Hour. I'm Mark behind the piano, and I have to tell you, God has been extra good to me this week. He's given me 535 joke writers - 100 in the Senate, and 435 in the House. And He made it Groundhog Day in Iraq. Saddam Hussein emerged from his hole and saw his shadow, which means that we will have four more years of George Bush!!!
Oh, God.