I hath critics. Nay, don't shake thy head in disbelief. 'Tis true. Everyone agreeth not with everything that I scribe. Alas, some townsfolk forswear that I should even be allowed to put quill to parchment. They think that I can't spell "Problems in Richlande" without a Z, or RCA.
So hear ye, hear ye, gentle persons of little faith. Ye doubters, backbiters, and nay-sayers. Read the words of despair for our faire township, which has been rather unfaire by being so faire.
In the realm's bad olde days, circa 1990's, legend says that Richlande was ruled by a despot named Lord Thomas of Glackin. Yea, there was a duet of other supervisors, but Glackin verily intimidated them, just as he did the rest of the citizenry. Lord Tom never met a zoning ordinance he didn't like, nor a resident that he did like. The royal inspectors were sent on crusades to find problems, and even petty violators were hauled to the halls of justice.
Anon, the common folk rebelled. A new Board of Supervisors was elected, each swearing an oath to restore civility to the countryside, and get government off the backs of the populace. Permits were no longer required for certain tasks, fees were reduced, and, most importantly, inspectors were given new marching orders. No search-and-destroy missions. No looking hither-and-yon for trouble. Enforcement would now be complaint-driven. We inspect only when the bourgeoisie brings us a problem.
In theory, this was virtuous. Although a white-glove inspection would no doubt reveal issues in almost any castle, why spend taxpayer money for matters that don't make much difference to anyone? Let the chivalrous inspectors handle important things that affect the health and safety of the masses, and sweat the small stuff only if a finger is pointed.
In a perfect Camelot world, this theory works. Actually, in a perfect world, we wouldn't need inspectors (or even government), but lets skip over that conundrum. Forsooth, Richlande is somewhat less than perfect (Odds Bodkins, I actually said it!) There are always plebeians who will seize time by the forelock. Varlets who see lack of enforcement as weakness, and try to strike a profit.
Such is the matter, or should I say, Maderson, at hand. Paul and Agnes (better known as Una) Maderson have dwelt in the kingdom since 1985, on their Axehandle Road manor. In 1998, the zoning hearing board granted them a variance to operate a Bed & Breakfast in their abode. But with several clear conditions. Guests were not to cook or use the kitchen. Breakfast was the only meal to be served. No catered parties permitted.
So what did yon Madersons do? They opened a cooking school! Pilgrims were encouraged to cook and use the kitchen. Feasts were prepared and served thrice a day. And, the coup de grace, the whole shebang was heralded on their website, and in Philadelphia magazine! There were even pictures and inscriptions of what appeared to be parties. Richlande didn't learn of the rogue enterprise because the supervisors eliminated "home instruction" licenses in 1999.
The former chairman of the zoning hearing board penned a personal dispatch to the Madersons last October, reminding them of the ZHB proclamations. Nary a response. Finally, in April, The Free Press called the royal zoning officer, Sir Richard of Brittingham, to ask why naught had been done. Sir Richard met with the Madersons. They even admitted the violations! So what was done? Nil.
No citations. No fines. No penalties. For six years of violations. While they reaped the harvest of the cooking school. Instead, it was decreed that they should merely petition the zoning hearing board anew, requesting more variances. Gadzooks! Why? Not because Richlande didn't want to act. It just couldn't. The law says there can be no consequences until the miscreants have had a chance to "correct" the misdeeds.
Genteel citizens, let this be a lesson to all of thee. Crime pays. Give no heed to the zoning laws until ye are caught, because unless ye are a danger to the realm, the most that will happen is that ye will be asked to do what ye should have done at the beginning. Ye may get away with ignoring the royal commandments for months, years, or evermore.
Zounds, this offends thee, lords and ladies? Ye think it not be faire that law-abiding citizens, who actually procure the required permits, and follow the decrees even when they are costly and inconvenient, see no consequences for rascals failing to do so? Ye believe that proclamations should be enforced fairely and reasonably? Too bad. Zoning laws are like an honor system. Only the honorable follow them.
So who is Paul Maderson? The co-chairman of supervisor Mike Zowniriw's Richlande Citizens Alliance. At the May 10 township meeting, Z called for the resignation of Preservation Board chairman Craig Staats because Staats refused to bless Maderson for that congregation.
And how will Z now treat one of his most trusted knights? Remember Z's campaign affirmation to cross swords with variances. This is a twisted saga of a yeoman being allowed to seek a new variance simply because he ignored the previous one.
Methinks that we should not be returning to the dark ages of Glackinism. But in our zeal to not be zealous, we are granting leave to some residents to thumb their website noses at us, and the township, while profiting from ignoring the laws. Here's one vote for the ZHB to tell yon Madersons to wait six years for new variances. That will make amends for the time they operated illegally. Faire is faire.
Richlande's hands-off policy is indeed the stuff of legends, but, like so many other things, a few bad (cooking) apples can spoil the barrel.