Note: One week has passed, and Mike Zowniriw still has not accepted my challenge to stand behind his accusations. Draw your own conclusions.
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This week's column is a collaborative effort. I wish I knew who my collaborator is.
Some of the ideas in the message below came to me as one of those anonymous mass emails that beg the reader to send it on to everyone in the hemisphere. The kind of epistle that I usually delete first, and think about never.
Frankly, I'm tired of cyber-receiving political cowchips, and offers to make certain parts of my anatomy even larger. Since I registered my phone number with the various do-not-call lists, it seems that all of those people who would have called are now emailing their messages to me.
But this one was different. Political, but universal. Actual thoughts that transcend party lines and social barriers. Something that we can all say Amen to. If we were given the chance. Which we won't be.
It's amazing...here is the wishful thinking of a nation, the sentiments that should get any man elected President by a landslide. Our own jingoistic "Roadmap to Peace", which we have tried so hard to peddle elsewhere. Why can't someone just listen? Mr. Bush, Mr. Kerry, simply repeat after me, and you will be acclaimed President by an enormously grateful nation:
My Fellow Americans...
As you all know, the defeat of the old Iraqi regime has been completed. Since the American people do not want to waste any more lives, or money, on this war, our mission is now accomplished. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from that nation. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. List A is short. It contains the names of fifteen countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of our new best friends.
List B contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are here. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that, effective immediately, foreign aid to those countries on List B ceases. Indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraq war. The American people are no longer going to hand over blank checks to corrupt third world leaders and ungrateful former allies who owe us bigtime for just about everything.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect the billions we save in foreign aid toward solving the multitude of social problems we still have at home.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Especially brave France, with its rich tradition of Run-Hide-Surrender-Collaborate. Thanks for all of your help, mes amis. If you other List B guys need help with a famine, or an epidemic, try calling them.
We are retiring from NATO as well, and closing our military bases in those countries. We will no longer take a bullet for the world while you hide behind your wine bottles. See what it's like to protect yourselves from each other for a while.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. We don't need proof of WMD. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
For all of you who haven't paid your dues to the UN, don't even think about trying to re-enter this country. We're no longer the bank for your meaningless, third-world-dominated kangaroo councils. If you don't like it, take your turn providing a rent-free, tax-free, building complex complete with security for your nest of spies.
I have empowered the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many diplomatic vehicles with more than two unpaid parking tickets to neighborhoods where they will be stripped in seconds. I don't care about whatever treaty this may violate. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Ante up tomorrow, or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York!
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List B. Since your currency is worth less than a stick of gum around here, you folks might want to try a bit more cooperation. Mexico is also on List B. The United States is finished providing the jobs and social programs that you refuse your own people. Some of that aid money which you won't be getting will be spent at our borders, to end the stampede you are driving north.
Oh, by the way, the United States is also abrogating the NAFTA treaty --- starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare, and its own citizens. So, Presidente Sly Fox, those voting rights for illegal immigrants that you've been lobbying so hard for...kiss my burrito.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin'." Nearly a century of trying to help folks around the world live a decent life has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. And it is time to restore English as the primary language everywhere in America.
To the nations on List A, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you, and we won't forget. To the nations on List B, a final thought. Drop dead.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.