Politicians today are wimps. Real men used to know how to deal with insults, and it wasn't by eating quiche.
In an election year, it's almost impossible to turn on the television without hearing some shill tell us that one of the candidates for president sucks. And, as we get closer to November, the garbage level will increase, as hopefuls for every office gear up to smear, besmirch, and otherwise assail the good names of their opponents.
Bush is a dim cowboy. A compassionless warmonger. A puppet of special interests. Cheney is useful only for handing out favors, raising money, and opening a very foul mouth.
Kerry is a Clinton clone. A two-faced untrustworthy with no real ideas. A liar about his heroism. Edwards is an ambulance-chasing front man for the trial attorneys, with no record of public service. Nader, Kucinich, and Sharpton are also probably unpleasant something-or-others, but no one has really bothered to say so.
Candidates rarely respond personally to these attacks. Swarms of spin doctors, armies of apologists, and posses of party faithful do the dirty work for them. Backed, of course, by hundreds of millions of dollars in advertising, to spread the gospels faster than a speeding mudball. But it didn't used to be that way...
Back in the days when men were men, and even politicians actually valued their reputations, slurs that we overlook as commonplace today often meant honor had to be satisfied. Insults were answered on the field of battle. Up close and personal. A duel!
At least 45 U.S. politicians are known to have dueled, with 17 deaths, including four Senators and seven Representatives. None very recently.
And it didn't take much to send these guys pacing. Duels were not contests of marksmanship, but rituals of manhood. To refuse a challenge was inviting a lifetime of disgrace.
If you want to see pictures of America's most famous combatants, just open your wallet. George Washington ($1 bill) and Ben Franklin ($100) opposed the practice, but after that we see duelists on all the popular denominations.
Check out the ten dollar bill to see a portrait of Alexander Hamilton, the former Secretary of the Treasury. He was known as a hot-head, who had challenged at least ten men to duels (though none were actually fought). His eldest son was killed in one. When he said that he had a "despicable opinion" of political nemesis Vice President Aaron Burr, the VP demanded an apology. Take note, Mr. Kerry and Mr. Bush.
Hamilton refused. Burr challenged him to a duel. Hamilton lost the shootout, and died the next day, but even from the grave he got the last laugh. Burr was later indicted for treason. And how many of us have ever seen a portrait of Aaron Burr?
Andrew Jackson, of $20 bill fame, reportedly fought over 100 duels, all prior to being elected President at 61 years old. The first came at age 20 and, amazingly, only one resulted in a death. Not his. The causes ranged from a horseracing bet, to insults aimed at his wife, to political innuendo. They left him with three souvenir bullets in his body, including a slug near his heart, which was never removed.
At 46, seven years after he survived that shot, he was again severely wounded, this time in the arm and shoulder. One of those bullets stayed in him for 18 years before a doctor cut it out, according to legend, without anesthesia.
Like I said, these guys didn't eat quiche.
The irony of that duel is that the man who wounded Jackson later became one of his staunchest allies, Senator Thomas Hart Benton of Missouri. Jackson even gave him back the bullet. Benton himself was almost shot by an angry senator from Mississippi.
A young pre-$5 Abraham Lincoln was called out by James Shields, the Illinois State Auditor, who was offended by lampooning letters written by Abe and his wife, Mary Todd. Lincoln tried to show the absurdity of the situation by choosing "Cavalry broadswords of the largest size", a decided advantage for a man 6-foot-4. After his wild first stroke cut a branch over Shield's head, reason caught up with both men, and they relented. Lincoln later appointed Shields a general in the Civil War.
Lincoln was also known as a champion "wrassler" who would take on all comers. Carl Sandburg described one such encounter, when Abe, angered by a local nasty named Jack Armstrong, "lifted him up by the throat and off the ground, shook him like a rag, and then slammed him to a hard fall, flat on his back". Take note, Rock.
Teddy Roosevelt (pictured on a $1,000,000 Treasury Bond) is the only President to be credited with a Wild West bar fight knockout. In 1884, 17 years before being elected, the Little Giant was in a Dakota Territory saloon, despondent over the deaths of his wife and mother. A drunken gunman unwisely picked on the wrong bespectacled patron, and, when the bully finally awoke, he found himself on a freight train out of town.
Because duels were illegal in New York, Governor De Witt Clinton once ferried to New Jersey and shot his opponent in both legs before refusing to do further damage. Take note, Mr. Bloomberg.
Occasionally, political violence even erupted right on the floor of the Senate. During a debate over slavery in 1856, Senator Charles Sumner of Massachusetts was beaten with a cane, wielded by the Distinguished Gentleman from South Carolina, Preston Brooks, when Sumner used "extensive sexual imagery". Take note, Mr. Cheney.
So in November, why should we all take note of hanging chads, disputed results, or presidents who don't receive a majority of the popular vote? Let's give the event-hungry media a reality show for the ages. If these self-described real men want to be our Commander-In-Chief, let them earn it.
The old fashioned way.