I miss Hiram Fong.
As a young boy, I spent nights listening to the national political conventions on the radio. Back in the days when the gatherings weren't just elaborate coronations of a winner decided months ahead of time. There were several candidates nominated for president. Like Hiram Fong.
Hiram was a senator from Hawaii, a self-made millionaire born of immigrant Chinese laborers. He was in line for our highest office five times. A "Favorite Son", whose name was always gloriously placed into nomination by a silver-tongued orator, followed by a small but raucous celebration.
Our hero never seriously planned to occupy the Oval Office, but Hawaii loved Hiram Fong, the first Asian-American senator. And every four years, he flashed his wide smile for a national photo-op. But his popularity did not extend to everyone in the Republican party. To some, he was slowing down progress. Taking up valuable time that could be used to extol the virtues of the real candidates.
And as television face time became the factor, the convention agendas were changed. The "Hiram Fong" rules limited, and finally eliminated, Favorite Son nominations from the prime-time convention floor. I never really heard what Hiram actually stood for. Maybe he had a platform. Maybe he had answers. I'll never know. He died last year at age 97.
So, in the afterglow of America's Royal Inauguration, I'm going public with my presidential promises, so future generations will always know exactly where I stood on the really important issues.
If I were president, I would support Constitutional Amendments for the following...
The No One P.O'd at the P.O. Amendment : Anyone in line at a post office must have all documents filled out ahead of time. No more herds of impatient toe-tappers waiting interminably while Mr. Butt stands at the counter completing the needed forms, in triplicate, to send a dozen packages bulk-rate-certified-insured-registered-return-receipt-requested to Albania.
The Civil Lights Act : To insure that motor vehicle operators actually pay attention when stopped for a red light, no driver shall primp, preen, tooth-check, hair-slick, or apply lipstick or make-up using the rear view mirror at a traffic signal. Penalty: Offending drivers shall be forced to wait in line at the post office behind Mr. Butt.
The Check Out the Checkout Cheats Bill : Supermarket shoppers shall be permitted to use the "10-item Express Lane" only if they actually have 10 or fewer items. I understand that this is a revolutionary concept, and that many shoppers will be shocked to learn that the restriction does actually apply to them . This law will clear up any current misunderstandings, such as "Those 6 cans only count as 1 item because they are all Brussels sprouts".
The No Jaywalker Left Behind Act: Pedestrians who intentionally cross against a red light, and seem to walk so slowly as to dare you to come near them, shall be declared a form of wild game, always in season. No daily limit, but expect the herd to be thinned quickly. Don't leave any behind.
The Right to Fair Hearing: Drivers who convert their vehicles into rolling sonic boomboxes, and play their questionable music at 40 million decibels with all windows open, shall undergo an attitude adjustment by listening repeatedly to The Captain and Tenille sing Muskrat Love.
The Lick the Like Law : Teenagers will not be permitted to use the word "Like" as anything but a verb. Abusers will be required to understand what a verb, and other parts of a sentence, actually are. This will likely be overturned by the Supreme Court as cruel and unusual punishment.
The Defense of Carriage Act: All car ads and salesmen shall be required to - gasp!!! - tell the truth, the whole truth, etc. No more incomprehensible fine print limiting the offer to Bohemian shepherds on Shrove Tuesday. No more discounts on lime green Yugos while the rest of the sales lot is still full-price. No more offering a deal, and then "sadly" apologizing because the "general manager" says it has to be $500 more.
The Don't Push My Buttons Bill : Company phone systems will no longer substitute computer-generated voices for human beings, and refer to it as "customer service". Callers will not have to seethe with frustration when prompted to push endless phone buttons, wait twenty minutes while hearing repeatedly that your call is very important to us , and finally get disconnected the instant an actual person answers.
The Dose of His Own Medicine Decree: The required prescription for all doctors will be to see their patients within five minutes of the scheduled appointment time. Punishment for violation: Doc not only has to stand in line behind Mr. Butt on doc's golf day, but also must listen to the music from his own waiting room, and read one entire six-month old magazine from his rack.
The Right to Freedom of Movement: This one's a request from the First Lady: All offices, restaurants, and public buildings must have an equal number of toilets for men and women. This is in reaction to the long lines snaking into the ladies' restrooms, while men move right along with their "standing room only" facilities.
The Clean Air Act of 2005: Anyone traveling on public transportation, such as buses, trains, taxis and planes, shall have bathed and used deodorant within the prior 24 hours. This rule shall also extend to all taxi drivers regardless of national origin.
The Don't Make America Think Amendment: All future televised political speeches and debates will be broadcast only on selected cable networks, pre-empting shows like BBC Weekly Foreign Policy Review, and allowing America uninterrupted access to important issues like Survivor and The Bachelor .
The Please Leave a Little Bit of this Child Behind Act : Our Hiram Fongs can once again be nominated for president. Childhood memories are good.