Looking to become a U.S. citizen? The legal way, I mean. Uncle Sam has a little test for you. See, when immigrants foolishly follow the rules, and actually apply for citizenship rather than take the Midnight Express from sur of the border, they have to pass The United States History and Government Exam. 450,000 newcomers named Vladimir, Dipak, and Rosalito do it every year.
This doesn't insure that every new citizen is a walking encyclopedia of Americana, but at least they made the effort to learn something about their new adopted country rather than just knowing the way to San Jose (or your hometown). And, mi amigo, if you think the exam is easy as paella, try taking it yourself.
Applicants are asked fourteen questions from the printed study-list of a hundred. You'd get the necessary twelve correct, no sweat, right? Easier said than done. I chose 24 representative questions from the list, and quizzed 18 people who either live or work in this area. Ay Caramba!
What do the stripes on the flag mean? Yep, they represent the original 13 states, or colonies. Simple enough, but only 8 got it right. Uh oh.
Who is the vice-president of the United States today? 83% knew Dick Cheney, wherever he is hiding, or shooting. But it gets harder from here.
Who elects the President of the United States? Not "the people", as seven of you said. Just ask Al Gore. Eleven elected the Electoral College.
How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution? You really need to know your stuff for this one. No one did. Not a single correct answer. It's officially 27 (though the 18th was repealed by the 21st).
What are the three branches of our government? Most confused the Senate and House of Representatives with "branches". Only six out of 18 could identify Executive, Legislative, and Judicial.
How many senators are there in Congress? No, it doesn't matter if it is payday. Only four people counted correctly - one hundred, two from each state.
Name the two senators from your state. These guys are about as polar opposite as you can get in one party, but did anyone actually vote for them? A mere three remembered both Arlen Specter and Rick Santorum.
For how long do we elect each senator? Four years was a popular guess, followed by two, but the answer is six. Two people knew.
How many representatives are there in Congress? 435. One - count 'em - one guy got it right. I didn't know either.
What is the Bill of Rights? Most people knew that it conferred our basic rights, but not a single person offered the Official U.S. Government Answer: The first 10 amendments of the Constitution.
Who becomes President of the United States if the President and the vice-president should die? Need any evidence that television has replaced book knowledge? Five people chuckled Donald Sutherland, who plays the Speaker of the House of Representatives on ABC's Commander-in-Chief. Seven actually spoke up for the real Speaker.
Who said, "Give me liberty or give me death"? "Give me anonymity" was not an option, but it was Patrick Henry. One woman knew.
Which countries were our enemies during World War II? Apparently our love of Volkswagens and pizza, and a yen for sushi, have allowed many of us to forget Germany, Italy, and Japan. Ask the VFW. Seven correct.
What are the 49th and 50th states of the Union? Alaska and Hawaii. This was the big winner - 16 of 18.
How many terms can the President serve? Roosevelt was elected four times, and Nixon supposedly inquired about changing the law to allow himself a third term (though he never finished the second). But, since 1951, it is two. Thirteen lucky winners.
According to the Constitution, a person must meet certain requirements in order to be eligible to become President. Name one of these requirements. Many knew that the President must be a citizen, but only six had it completely correct - he/she must be a natural born U.S. citizen. Sorry, Ahnold. Other criteria: must be at least 35 years old; must have lived in the U.S. for at least 14 years.
How many Supreme Court justices are there? President Bush did his bumbling best to keep it temporarily underrstaffed, but four local legal eagles knew that a full court is nine justices.
Who was the main writer of the Declaration of Independence? No, not John Hancock, not Ben Franklin, not George Washington. Ten correctly identified Thomas Jefferson.
Who wrote the Star-Spangled Banner? Seven sang out Francis Scott Key, but one thought he was a woman.
Who was the President during the Civil War? Yes, yes, Jefferson Davis was President below the Mason-Dixon line, but this is a United States citizenship test. We were United even when we weren't. Abraham Lincoln got thirteen votes.
What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America? Everyone seemed to remember the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria. Ten eventually settled on The Mayflower.
Who has the power to declare war? All evidence to the contrary (Cuba, Vietnam, Grenada, Iraq) it is not the President (or Dick Cheney). Half of you weren't fooled. The Congress.
What kind of government does the United States have? Watch your language, this is a family paper. No, we are not a Democracy. We are a Republic. We elect officials to make our decisions for us. No one - nada, zip, zilch got it right.
In what year was the Constitution written? Surprise, surprise, no one knew this one either. Guesses ranged from 1774-1850. Of course, it was 1787, though discussions actually began in 1786, and ratification wasn't complete until 1789. But you knew that.