Ya gotta love the internet. It has brought our world so much closer together. In fact, if it weren't for email, I would never have learned about all of those wonderful people who are desperately trying to give me money. A lot of money.
My email box runneth over with mega-gifts from heretofore-unknown relatives, secretive financial managers, and a devoutly religious widow too ill to personally claim her fortune, who was told to contact me - and only me - by "the holy spirit"!
Actual un-retouched letter: "I am Mrs Dolores McClaim from Netherlands, I am 58 years old, i am suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, from all indication my conditions is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that i can't work or do any stressful thing, according to my doctors they have advised me that i may not live for the next two months, this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage. I was brought up from a motherless babies home was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child, My Husband (Lombard McClaim ) died in a fatal motor accident. Before his death we were true Christians.
Since his death I decided not to re-marry, I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of USD 8.6 million dollars with a Security Company in United states of America. Presently, this money is still with them and the management just wrote me as the true owner to come forward to receive the money for keeping it so long with attract a demurage fees as the security fees paid by me has expired or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over because of my illness or they get it confisticated. So instead of getting it confiscated i rather have someone whom i can trust to recieve the funds and utilise it according to my wishes. And the best part of it is, The security company told me in the letter that they can have the consignment funds delivered to my approved next of kin in his house if within USA or transfered to his bank account and if outside USA then transfered to his or her bank account.
It is my last wish to see that this money is invested/donated to any organisation buisness of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization, E.g the poor homes, the motherless babies home where i came from, the deaf homes, and churces etc. All i seek for is a God fearing person like you, who will carry out my last wishes and before i emailed you today i prayed and the holy spirit gave me the confidence to send you this email. I took this decision, before i rest in peace because my time will soon be up. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Security Company in the USA.
All i need from you is a confidential assurance that the funds when recieved by you will be used for the said purpose, Nowadays there are so much scams going on in the internet and it is diffcult to trust but i dont know why the Holy spirit still approved me to email you about this out of few email addresses i have from the internet, yours was the only one that was approved for me to contact. Waiting for your reply. Yours in Christ, Mrs Dolores McClaim."
While Dolores at least claimed to have some moral compass, Michael Jefferson had no such problem. "Hello, I apologize if the contents hereunder are contrary to your moral ethics, but please treat it with absolute secrecy and personal courtesy. I am Michael Jefferson, an Auditor in a commercial Bank here in London UK, in the process of auditing our bank accounts for the first quarter of the year, I recently discovered that there was a dormant account valued at the sum 7,394,890.00 (Seven Million, three hundred and ninety four thousand, eight hundred and ninety British Pounds Sterling) and after due verification of this account I discovered that the account owner is late. That is why the account has been dormant and as such the funds are lying unclaimed in the bank.
The idea of presenting a foreigner to act as his next of kin came into my mind so as to have the total sum of 7,394,890.00 being transferred and willed to you and we can both disburse the fund according to the percentage we will agree upon. I would appreciate if you can put me in the right part where I can invest my own share. Be rest assured that this business is 100% risk free. I await for your prompt response. Best Regards, Michael Jefferson."
HSBC Bank must not need a bailout, because they are just giving away money - from the United Nations! "IMMEDIATE PAYMENT NOTIFICATION VALUED AT US$2.3 MILLION. It is my modest obligation to write you this letter in regards to the authorization of your owed payment through our most respected financial institution (HSBC BANK PLC). I am Mr. Jeffrey Dean, the Director, Foreign Operations Department, HSBC Bank Plc, UK. The British Government, in conjunction with the US GOVERNMENT, WORLD BANK, UNITED NATIONS ORGANIZATION on foreign payment matters, has empowered my bank after much consultation and consideration, to handle all foreign payments. Be informed that we have verified your payment file as directed to us, and your name is next on the list of our outstanding fund beneficiaries to receive their payment before the end of the year 2010. Be advised that because of too many funds beneficiaries due for payment this year, you are entitled to receive the sum of Two Million Three Hundred Thousand United States Dollars."
I barely had time to celebrate all of my good fortunes when I learned that my inheritance, which has apparently been sitting in the Central Bank of Nigeria, is being ripped off by the staff of the Remitting Bank!!! I have to act immediately...
"Dear Beneficiary, I hope that this correspondence is received with the urgency and expediency required. It has come to the notice of the Board of Trustees at the CBN that your present inheritance claims application being handled by the Remmitting Bank in Nigeria is experiencing some man made irregularities. To this effect, it has become neccesary for the Board of Trustees to invite trained Fund Transfer Specalists from the United States to resolve and regularize your fund release with immediate effect.
All proccesses to have your funds paid to you imediately through the CBN's Laison Remmittance Office in New York have been initiated to cut out unneccesary costs.You are advised to keep this communication highly confidential as the CBN Board of Trustees have asked us to resolve this fund payment independent of the office of the CBN Gorvernor to identify the principal participants in this unethical payment procedure.
Furthermore, you are hereby advised to pay no further fees or charges to the Remmitting Bank in Nigeria as they shall no longer be handling your payment process. We shall await your immedite correspondence with your direct telephone numbers for re-confirmation, so that we may conclude your payment immediately. Yours Sincerely, Dr. Richard Glister & Associates c/o CBN."
Obviously there is no recession in Internet Land.